Leviticus 2 - Typing Through Streams of Tears

This morning is one of those mornings where it is both easy and hard to give thanks  I know that may seem confusing, it is to me.

This day 14 years ago, my sweet mom went to be with Jesus. She was only about 4 years older than I am today. She had not been blessed with any grandchildren which was her life dream. She was so sick for so many years. Despite all of that, I rarely heard my mom complain about her illness and she continued to love and care for others just as she always did.

Just like every family on this planet, our relationships had its ups and downs. There were times in my life that my mom and I never spoke and there were times in my life where we were the best of friends.

I miss her everyday.

The older I get the more wisdom I have about my mom and her short life here on this earth. 14 years ago I would ask questions about why our relationship was so rocky, why didn't she do better by me and why didn't I talk to her that Sunday when she called.

Today I see that my mom did the best she could. She suffered more from diabetes and the ongoing complications more than I knew as a child and teen. You see, I couldn't understand because of my perspective.

My mom suffered so much. She had more surgeries than I could ever remember, took handfuls of medicine and was on dialysis.

So today I am choosing to fight those feelings of sadness and anger and I am going to praise the Lord that she is no longer suffering. That is so hard to do when all I want is to have my mom back.

I am not sure how all of this neatly fits into today's reading. I do know that without a relationship with God this would be an unbearable thing to face...

each time I want to call her on the phone
each time I see her photo
each time I see friends with their moms
each time I see grandparents loving on their sweet grandchildren
each time my girls ask about her and what she was like
each time I visit her graveside

I am thankful that God fills those cracked areas of my life. His daily bread is nourishment and fills those empty and broken areas.

Dear Father, thank you for the 25 years I was able to spend with my mom. Thank you for the love that she showed me and everyone around her. Thank you for the end to her suffering. You have fully restored her and I know there is no suffering and anguish anymore. I praise you for the discernment I have today. Thank you for the example of love and kindness through her. Please be with me today as I go out into the world and try to love and care for people just like my mom did and even more, like you do. Thank you for your love and for giving me peace this morning. Be with my family today as we remember my mom, Terrie Lynn Conger. - Amen